why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
