Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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