I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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