I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
