I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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