My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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