Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
