I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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