meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
