they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
