if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
