he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
