Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
