Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
