I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
