apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She told me I should be a condom model.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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