Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
