Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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