I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
