Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish my penis had an off switch
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
