i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
