Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
