I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
