stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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