It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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