The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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