hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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