I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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