I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
