I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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