I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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