you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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