Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
