i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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