So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
