fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
