look no pants
I smell stomach acid.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
