Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
