I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
