mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
