We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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