My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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