He disabled his match.com account in front of me
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
