So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
