seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
