Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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