i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
