I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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