wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
