I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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