It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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